The mysterious butt-whacker

So I’ve just learnt, through the magic and wonder of the internet, that back in the 1600’s some guy used to run around and spank people in the streets, yelling “Spanko!” as he committed his dastardly deeds.

I discovered this through someone on Imgur, who’d gotten it from a website called Kickassfacts.com. This fact in particular made my day.

I mean, it’s funny enough that he was randomly accosting people in alleyways and smacking people on the butt, but something about the accompanying “spanko” just makes this gold.

Of course, it’s a little bit more serious than I’m making it out to be. It is actually sexual assault to run up to a woman in a dark alleyway, lift her skirt, and spank her ass. I wouldn’t advise it, by any means. As well as that, he sometimes used a rod, and some of his victims were left badly injured. So yeah, the fun and games ends there, but I don’t think I can’t still see the inappropriate humour.

Heh, spanko.

 

I thought they’d love cake

Ah, the joys of the internet. Sometimes I go so very deep into the internet that I feel as if I’m trekking through territory untouched by humanity, never before seen by a single, living soul. It somewhat assuages the urge within me to go exploring in the middle of nowhere. With the internet I can do just that without leaving the comfort of my bedroom.

Someone posted up a handy list of addictive websites on Imgur, and there was one in particular that caught my eye. While a trivia website that donated ten grains of rice to starving children in third world countries every time you answered a question seemed great, it was the useless website generator that awakened the part of me that yearns for quirky, random, pointless things. Theuselessweb.com  was all I could ever hope for.

The first site it brought me to was something called omfgdogs.com, a nyan-cat-esque site featuring a whole bunch of cartoon dogs running along with a rainbow background and a slightly catchy video game-sounding song playing overtop. This site brought me a considerable amount of amusement. I will not divulge just how long I spent on that page, mesmerized by the rainbows and dogs and music.

Other noteworthy pages included infinitefrogs.com, instantostrich.com, and a website where cats bounced around the screen, aptly named cat-bounce.com.

But perhaps the weirdest, nay, most shudder-inducing one was Iloveyoulikeafatladylovesapples.com.

I have no idea what the deal was with this website. You had a creepily-drawn woman sitting at a table with eerie string and piano music playing in the background. An apple would roll forward on the table and you could move your mouse to direct the woman to pick it up. If you made her hold the apple to her mouth, she’d eat it, making a really weird noise the whole time, and then she’d beckon for another apple and you would continue to feed her, watching her grow back fat with each one. Eventually she’d get so fat that a hand would appear behind her and stab her in the back, and apples would pour out. Then she would continue eating.

It sounds relatively average – a woman eating apples, right? But no. It’s kind of terrifying. I think it might be the music that makes it so bad. Try it. You’ll see.

Man, I love the internet.

Nightmare fuel

In this week’s installment of ‘Holy crap what is that thing I think I saw it once in a nightmare’, we bring you the frilled shark. Trust me when I say you have not seen anything this creepy in your lifetime.

The frilled shark is called a “living fossil” because it’s so old and primitive, and very rarely seen. As you can see in that shudder-inducing video, it has a body akin to that of a large eel, and it attacks much in the same way a snake does – by bending back and then lunging forward. This thing pretty much doesn’t even look like a shark, but the Chlamydoselachus anguineus, one of the two remaining species of the Chlamydoselachidae family, most definitely is.

Here’s a fun fact for all my Kiwi followers – this little beauty has been found around New Zealand, though usually it sticks to depths of a couple hundred metres, even being found once as deep as 1,570m.

It’s been suggested that this species of shark – or a relative – could be behind reports of sea serpents back in the day. Growing up to about two metres, it doesn’t seem big enough, but then what do I know about sea serpents? Nothing, my friends. I know nothing.

So now that you have the mental image of that thing swim-slithering towards you like a weird, snake-eel-shark hybrid, please enjoy the rest of your day.

Whaaaaa?

The dashboard on my blog gives me a lot of interesting information about how many people view my posts, what country the views are coming from, what links in my blog people have clicked, and the types of searches people have put in that brought them to my blog.

That last one is where things get a little weird. At the moment one of the searches showing up on my dashboard is “underage sex with little brother”. I don’t know who would be searching that, and I really don’t know how that brought them to my blog.

I’m uncomfortable.

Sentient appliances

My flatmate and I thought it was strange the other day when our clothes dryer, a hulking metal behemoth, made a random thumping noise as we walked past. Feeling a little bit nervous, I glanced at Sacha and pulled the dryer door open, only to see a pile of washing nobody had cleared out yet. We exchanged confused looks, mumbled about how we always seem to end up in haunted houses, and promptly forgot about it.

A day or two later I was sure I had the answer. The dryer had again made a thumping noise as I walked past, but this time it was accompanied with a creak of the floor. I suggested that there must be certain places on the floor we were stepping on that reverberated underneath the dryer, causing it to let our a mournful creak of its own. It made sense, because our house is noisier than a gaggle of pre-teen girls at a Twilight premiere, and our dryer is as old as the hills.

I thought it made sense. But as I type this, I am lying in my bed with my cat curled up on my feet, and the dryer has made a thumping noise three times now without a single soul walking past that laundry.

My flatmate is away tonight. I am afraid.

Persistent ghosts

I rarely use the lock on my bedroom door.

There’s usually no need. I only live with one other person, and we both know to knock before entering – it’s simply a common courtesy. And not just knock and then barge in, but knock and leave an adequate amount of time for the occupant to shriek “don’t come in!” if they are busy prancing around naked or whatever suits the moment.

Last night was one of the few times I used the lock, because – I’ll be honest – I was a little bit scared.

It was around quarter past twelve at night, and I was reading creepy stories on the internet as I am bound to do from time to time. I’ve made a rule that I’m not allowed to read them when Sacha’s away, because I go just a little loopy on my own and start thinking every creak signals my impending doom. She was here this time though, so I figured it would be alright. It still put me slightly on edge though.

Sacha had come into my room to speak to me about ten minutes earlier because the washing machine was throwing a miniature tantrum about some late night washing she’d put on. She closed my door as she left, and a small while later, as I lay in my bed reading by the light of a single lamp, the door suddenly creaked open.

It was just a crack, and I figured that Sacha must not have made the door click when she closed it behind her. It was one of those annoying doors that have to be pushed that extra bit to make sure they latch shut properly. I decided I’d ignore it – I could close it in a moment when I turned off my laptop. But as I lay there in my bed, it continued to creak and inch open, then stop, and continue. There was probably a breeze in our house somewhere, but it was enough to creep me out, so I got out of bed and pushed the door shut until I heard that click that told me it was definitely latched.

The fact that I knew it was closed properly made it relatively alarming for me when the door suddenly creaked open again a further ten minutes later. Again, only a crack. I’ve never known the door to open itself after clicking shut, so this time when I got up to push it shut again, I turned the lock for good measure.

That was a pretty anticlimactic story, but it made me nervous nevertheless.

Lethargy

I am trying and failing to get myself out of bed today. It’s nearly one in the afternoon and I’m still snuggled up in my bed, procrastinating.

I had to get up at about eight when my boyfriend gave me a call before he started work, because my kitten heard my voice through the wall and started meowing and scratching to be let in. I didn’t feel like having him in my room yet though, so I gave him some biscuits and opened the door to the deck so he could go outside and play. I guess he only had one goal, though, because at about ten, when I pulled the corner of my curtain back to see if it was sunny outside, I found him on the other side of the window staring back at me. I don’t know how long he’d been there, but I’m already a little freaked out.

Now I’ve told myself I’m going to watch one programme online, and then get up and go for a run, because damnit I am not going to give up on this little exercising trend I’ve got going on this time. I’m sticking with this one.

It’s just really hard getting out of bed when you have absolutely nothing you have to do for the whole day.

Haunted windows

I’ll just say it straight out – I’m a little bit scared of my bedroom windows.

A few weeks ago I happened to notice one of them was sitting open a crack. I hadn’t opened it, but I figured my boyfriend, who had stayed that weekend, must have opened it while he was here. I thought no more of it.

But last week, I came home from class to find the other window cracked open. ‘That’s odd,’ I thought to myself. Sacha’s boyfriend had been at our flat during the day and had been fluttering around cleaning barbecues and whatever things boyfriends do in their spare time. ‘Maaaaybe Alex opened my window?’ I pondered, somewhat perplexed. I would have asked him, but he was gone by that point.

This morning, I woke up for class and got ready to leave. When I opened my curtains, the window by the head of my bed was open again. I know for certain I hadn’t touched it, and my flatmate wouldn’t have. Nobody else had been in our house. Why was my window open?

So there you go, I’m seriously confused right now. Every time, the window has only been open the tiniest bit, but enough to make me wonder how the hell it happened. They have latches, so they shouldn’t just be opening themselves up.

In other news, a dangerous fugitive is on the loose in Hamilton. Probably no connection, but still. . .

Sacrifices

A couple of years ago I was driving from Hamilton to Tauranga with my friend, Brendon. It was evening, and the moon was up, hanging in front of us looking huge, and coloured a funny shade of pink.

“Ah, the red moon,” Brendon said in a strange voice. “A virgin must be sacrificed tonight,” he added, turning to look at me with a terrifying expression on his face.

Later in the night, as we got closer to Tauranga, the moon had gone back to its usual colour. Again, he turned to me and said “An innocent has been sacrificed. You are safe for another moon.”

That was a weird car trip.

All the wonders of the world

Have you ever wished your lips could glow in the dark? Maybe you’ve always yearned to adorn your front lawn with zombie gnomes. Perhaps it’s your previously unrealised life goal to own a tie with a secret compartment to store alcohol in.

Wish no longer, my dear friends, because a little website called Thisiswhyimbroke.com can give you all this and more.

So much more.

Here’s my five favourite items up for grabs. Well, five favourite for now. I haven’t even begun to reach the bottom, wherever it may be.

1. Laser pointer cat toy.

If your cat is anything like mine, you may experience moments of pure, unadulterated hatred for it. While I love our flat’s kitten, Tonka, he does tend to drive me a little bit completely up the wall. The last few nights I’ve let him sleep in my room because I’ve been home alone and (stupidly) reading scary stories on the internet. Some company was appreciated. Until the next morning that is. At 6.30 Tonka’s awake, and apparently his favourite morning activity is to walk all over my face purring, meowing, and trying to smooch me. If only I had something to distract him with . . .

Ah.

2. The car mustache.

I don’t know about you guys, but I for one think my car could do with a little more facial hair. That’s why this big, attachable stache is a dream come true. I’m sure everyone will be able to tell how tough I am by my car’s manly attire.

3. Armoured knight hoodie.
I can’t think of a reason why everybody in the world shouldn’t want one of these. End of story.

4. Brass knuckles taser.

This one actually seems like a fantastic idea. Slip these bad boys on before heading home from work late at night in a dodgy area of town and you’re sussed. Criminals will get a nasty surprise when they try to pull the ol’ kidnaperoo and get an electric punch to the face.

5. Glow in the dark toilet paper.

I can’t not have this. I simply do not want to live in a world where I do not own glow in the dark toilet paper. I mean, yeah, I’m unable to think of any practical reason why I should have it, but that doesn’t matter. I want it anyway.

Aaand on the list of things that I do not want and never will:

Nose shower gel dispenser.

A clear computer mouse with a spider inside it.

Human fetus soap bar.